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My Boyfriend's Back, and I'm Gonna Be In Trouble

Q

I broke up with "Joe" a year ago because he was unfaithful. Last week, he came back into town and into my life for 3 days, and he wants to get back together. We talked for hours, but we didn't "do" anything else. But I realize he's perfect for me, and he's the only man who is. He'll be back next week, after visiting another old girlfriend in Toronto. I'm sure that relationship doesn't mean anything. I want to tell him that I'll take him back, but only if we live together. What should I do?

A

He wants to get back together with you, but in the meantime he's visiting his old girlfriend in Toronto? I think there's a part of you that already knows the answer -- if he's been unfaithful once, he'll be unfaithful again. Living together would not stop him from being unfaithful, but would make it much harder for you to deal with when it happens. If you absolutely can't help yourself, then go for it. Just keep a parachute around somewhere so that you can bail out quickly if you have to.

Mom Asked Me to Cancel Visits With My Daughter

Q

I'm going through a divorce from "Sue," and my daughter is scheduled to spend every other weekend with me, starting this weekend. Sue just called and asked me to cancel all weekend visits for a while until we see how things work out. I'm hoping that we'll get back together, and I don't want to do anything to upset her more. What should I do?

A

Under no circumstances should you voluntarily cancel any visits with your daughter (at least, not without your lawyer's concurrence). It sounds like Sue dumped you, and there's no way she's going to be more interested in getting back with you if you're so weak that you won't even fight to see your own daughter. Spend the weekend with your daughter as scheduled. If Sue has any inclination whatsoever to get back with you, she'll probably be even more inclined when she sees how good and loving a relationship you have with your daughter. If you do give up visitation voluntarily, it may be the biggest mistake of your life. When you go to court, Sue's lawyer will argue that you gave it up because you aren't interested in your daughter, and the judges, who almost always side with the mother against the father, will believe her. You may well lose the weekend visitations permanently, and judge may punish in other ways as well.

Jealous of Playboy

Q

My husband of 18 months (we've been together for 4 years) recently revealed a side of him that he deliberately kept from me. His "typical male" side. He admitted to me he reads Playboy and watches pornos. I guess I'm angry because he led me to believe that he was not like that all this time and then he admitted it to me long after we were married. I don't know how to deal with it. I'm extremely jealous but I don't know if it is because he kept this from me on perpose because he really does have something to hide (and I suspect him) or whether it is because he admits that he enjoys looking at other naked women in magaznes, movies and real life besides me. Is it common for wives to accept their husbands desires to seek outside stimmuli or am I pretty normal in HATING this side of the male gender. How common is it for married men to be like that? Should I beleive him when he says it is only a fantasy and ALL men are like that and not to worry, none of the women are as beautiful as me?

A

The rule about pornography is that it's like candy -- it's completely harmless if you have only a little each week, and it becomes a problem only when it's a major part of the diet. You have a legitimate gripe that your husband was dishonest with you for a long time, but it's probably a misdemeanor, not a felony. For example, maybe he originally intended to give up pornography, but later found he still needed an occasional "fix," just as some people need an occasional cigarette or glass of wine. So he may have been lying to himself as well as to you. He deserves points for finally admitting everything to you. Presumably he did so in the hope of getting your help, love and support. If you're truly offended by his reading Playboy, then he should be willing to hide it from you -- keep it in his workshop, read it there, and you agree not to poke around. If he wants to fantasize about supermodels, it doesn't do any more harm than you fantasizing about world travel or living in a mansion. It's just a fantasy. It doesn't mean anything. Finally, consider the possibility of sharing this with him. You're a young couple, but after ten or twenty years it's not uncommon for men to experience bouts of impotency. Instead of going to drugs, many couples use a "natural" drug -- they rent an X-rated movie on Saturday night and watch it together in bed.

Mom's a Bitch

Q

I am living with my boyfriend and we plan to get married. His daughter is almost 5. I feel that his ex is being verbally abusive to the daughter, constantly telling her how "bad" her Dad is, how he abandoned them, that he is a cheater.... so on. The daughter, in return, has said things like, "Why can't SHE find her own man?" "You were supposed to stay with Mom till you were dead, you didn't and you are a liar" "When are you going back to Mommy, she is all alone!" "you should not kiss people unless you are married" stuff along those lines. The dad (and me) never say a negative thing about the Mother. I feel sometimes as if the mother is the puppet master , and controlling all, playing the martyr Mom. Sometimes it feels like a losing battle.

A

I suggest a doing some aggressive things. However, being aggressive has its risks -- you boyfriend's ex-wife may get so pissed that she'll immediately move away or something. That's why you should decide on an entire plan which takes various contingencies into account. Even in the best of circumstances, a custodial mother is often viscerally opposed to her children having a relationship with their father. She may want to prevent visits in order to get even with the father; she may feel lonely if the kids are gone for only a few hours; she may not want to be bothered dealing with the logistics of visits; or she may feel jealous that a relationship might develop between the children and the father's girlfriend or second wife. In addition, preventing the children from having contact with their father may be a strategy advocated by her lawyer to gain leverage during a divorce. In your particular case, it's possible that two or three of these reasons apply. Right now, the mother is using your boyfriend's daughter as a boxing glove, and you and your boyfriend are the punching bag. You're just sitting there, allowing one punch after another to land, without doing anything about it. The rule is that parents aren't supposed to say anything negative about each other, but my opinion is that this rule doesn't mean that you have to be a punching bag for your boyfriend's ex-wife. It's true that the child is better off if neither parent is criticizing the other, but if one parent is constantly dumping on the other parent, who remains silent, then the child will take the second parent's silence as a tacit admission of guilt. Under these circumstances, I think it's OK to say things like, "Your mother hasn't told you the whole story -- ask her to tell you the other side" or "Your mother had no right to say that" or "Your mother had no right to do that." If you criticize the mother's behavior, make sure that your criticisms are VERY specific and VERY limited. Do not succumb to generalizations like "She's a bad mom." Stick to, "She shouldn't have done that specific act." Assume that everything you say will get back to the mom, and start out with some very limited comment like, "Ask you mother what the other side of the story is." If this is the first time you do this, then mom will be jolted by it, and probably will get angry. If it gets back to you, you will be able to say, "I wasn't criticizing her as a person; I was simply saying she shouldn't do/say such and such." You should expect to have such a conversation eventually, with either the ex-wife or someone else, and you should be prepared to give an answer. Every remark you make should be well thought out and planned, and should take into account what the mother's reaction should be when she hears it from the daughter. If you're not sure about something, then don't say it. Since the mother is threatening to move away with the daughter, you might with to indirectly make it clear to the daughter how much you and your boyfriend love her, and how you'll miss her all the time if her mother unfairly takes her away. However, there's another important aspect to this strategy -- something that's very difficult, but is extremely important. You and your boyfriend must become paragons of credibility. (If he can't do this with you, you'll have to do this alone.) You have to make it your policy to tell your daughter the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. You can't tell white lies. You can't shade the truth. You can't exaggerate. You can't omit important details. If you tell the tiniest "white lie," then the daughter will take that as proof that you lie about other things as well. You have to establish a track record of always being a source of truth. If the mother is lying, then over a period of time -- several months or a year -- the daughter will start to trust you more than the mother. In order to counteract this, the mother will have to start telling the truth too, and that will make everyone better off. This part of the strategy may require you to take responsibility for mistakes you or your boyfriend have made. Did you and your boyfriend have an affair while he was still married? Was your boyfriend at "fault" for the breakup of their marriage? The daughter won't believe anything you and he say until you own up to your responsibility in the breakup. Caveat: Don't admit anything that might affect a legal proceeding. And, to state the obvious, since the daughter is only five years old, you have to make sure that anything you say is age-appropriate. The above is a very aggressive strategy. It has to be well thought out, and not something that you just take a stab at from time to time. You have to be honest all the time, and any special remarks you make have to be planned and thought out in advance. If it's any consolation, I've spoken to several adult children of divorce who blame their mothers for what they did years before. Kids know what's going on a lot better than people realize, and they will assess blame when they're old enough to do so.

Should We Try to Get Custody?

Q

My husband's ex-wife is abusing the kids. We'd like to go to court to get custody, but we've been told that if we can't prove something drastic was going on, we would not get custody. Mental abuse is always hard to prove, but now that the oldest son is old enough to testify, I think we should be able to prove it.

A

I spoken to several men and women going through this situation -- including men whose kids are being beaten or starved by their mothers, men whose kids are being abused by their mothers' boyfriends. The social worker organizations never does anything about this. What's worse is that it often backfires on the father -- the mother falsely accuses the father of sexual abuse, which the social workers always act on, and the result is that the children are being abused, beaten and raped by the mother and her boyfriend, but no longer have access to their father, the only one who can save them. It's extremely depressing. In story after story, there's one thing that always come through: The social workers are more interested in their budgets than the kids. In many of these situations, the social workers know that the mother and her boyfriend are abusing the kids, but they refuse to do anything since that would cost the social workers money. This has nothing to do with the kids. It has only to do with money. I mention all this to emphasize what you're up against. When you bring your custody case, these social worker organizations are going to love it -- because it brings in so much money. The harder you fight, the more money they make. But you can't win, because they call collude with each other to support each others' charges and each others' budgets. They make sure you can't win, so you'll keep coming back and fight some more so they'll make more money. That's the way the game is played. I'm sorry to be such a downer about this, but I've heard too many stories like yours. I hope you have better luck than the people I spoke to did, but if I have to predict, my prediction would not be in that direction, no matter how abusive the mother is. I've taken a very long route to get to the following advice: Talk to your lawyer about your evidence. If he says you won't succeed, then believe him. If you really insist on fighting a losing cause, then your lawyer will be making a lot of money as well, and you'll be in the position of having a case you can't win, but with the social workers and your lawyer both milking you to make a bunch of money.