Divorced Men -- More Questions and Answers

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Are you a man going through a divorce? (Or a woman caring for a man going through a divorce?) Fraternizing With The Enemy gives you information that's available nowhere else:

Why Do Social Workers Make So Many False Charges Of Domestic Violence?

There are literally millions of false charges of domestic violence brought against men every year. Many domestic violence charges are valid, of course, but the evidence suggests that many more are invalid.

The reason is that there are too few valid charges to sustain the budgets of the various women's agencies, and so to sustain their budgets, women's agencies support false or phony charges of violence against men under various pretexts. For example, a social worker may find a man "dangerous" if he's simply raised his voice during an argument, but she'll forgive and excuse a woman who batters, neglects or starves her children.

A man who is kept from seeing his children is advised to fight to see them, and to keep a complete paper trail. He can show these papers to his children when they're older to show his children how he fought against their mother to continue seeing them.

However, a falsely charged man who fights to see his children brings in lucrative fees and grants to these women's agencies, since each man who fights to see his children requires additional women's agency staff to prevent him from doing so. One man quoted in Fraternizing With The Enemy has computed that feminist legal services agencies have collected several hundred thousand dollars in grants for his ex-wife's efforts to keep him from seeing her children and to keep herself from being deported.

My Ex-Wife And Her Boyfriend Are Abusing My Children. What Can I Do?

These are the most heartbreaking stories I've heard from men. I've spoken to men close to tears because they had to watch helplessly as their kids suffered horrible abuse, all condoned and excused by social workers.

Most child abusers are the children's mothers: women batter, neglect or starve children twice as often as men do. When sexual abuse or child rape is involved, even then the perpetrator is seldom the child's biological father -- it's more likely to be the mother's boyfriend or new husband.

Because of social workers' policy of siding with the mother against the father in all but the most extreme cases, there is little a father can do to prevent his children from being abused by his ex-wife or her boyfriend. Two fathers told me they weren't able to obtain custody until their ex-wives had actually broken bones in the children's hands.

I Wish My Ex-Wife Were Dead. What Should I Do?

Many men are surprised to find, when they go through a divorce, that they hate their ex-wives more than they'd ever believed it was possible to hate anyone.

None of the men that I spoke to would ever hurt their ex-wives, but wishing to see them dead appears to be an almost universal among men going through a divorce.

When I speak to men, I tell them how important it is to manage their anger, and not threaten or hurt anyone.

In order to show them that their intense hatred is quite common, I repeat to them some of the comments that I've heard from other men, including the following:

"If my ex-wife and her husband were killed in an automobile, that would be a good solution, and it would be God's solution."

"I was ready to kill her. I can understand why men kill their wives. Anyone in that situation would feel that way. If a man gets pushed too far, you do things you'll regret later. I was very afraid of losing my cool. I didn't want to go to jail. I didn't want my emotions to take over. I'm a level-headed non- violent person, and that's probably why I never did anything. But someone a little less intelligent than me, or who has a temper a little more dangerous than mine, might have done something."

"I feel bad for men who don't have the kind of money it takes to force their wives to let them see their children, and who don't recognize that they could be violent, and do something about it. I know why that man killed his kids last summer - his wife was going to take his kids away from him. I feel bad for these other men who can't control themselves because of their kids - it's a scary thought that you're not going to see your kids every day. I haven't seen my kids since Thursday night. It's now Sunday - and I miss them terribly. I wish I were with them today."

"There have been times when I was homicidal, especially when she fucked around so badly with the visitation. I'd drive for an hour to see my kids, and half the time she wasn't even there. She'd say she forgot to call me. I was just livid on a couple of occasions. I wanted to go over and strangle her, kill her. I really did. But I said to myself, that won't get me anything. She's pushed me hard, very hard, but thank God I haven't done anything, and thank God I don't drink. I don't say that women deserve it, and don't get the idea that I would ever do anything, but she's pushed me real close. She's formidable."

"I can understand why men kill their ex-wives. It's the system that makes these men turn to killers. ... A friend of mine told me, `if you had murdered your ex-wife eight or nine years ago, at least you'd be out of jail by now a free man.' That's why men kill their ex-wives."

"I was absolutely infuriated by what she did. I can't tell you how furious and humiliated I was. If I were inclined to drinking, I would have gone on a binge. If I were inclined to violence at all, which thank goodness I'm not, then I might well have killed my ex-wife at that time, and all the restraining orders in the world wouldn't have made a difference. Women don't seem to understand this stuff. As it stood, all I did was argue with her."

"If she were killed in an auto accident, and my son wasn't in the car, I would dance."

Other men didn't put it so strongly, but many men said something like, "I would never do anything myself, but I understand why men kill their ex-wives." None of these men were violent, and none of them condoned violence. They were using violence as a metaphor for their hatred they felt for their children's mother.

Feminists claim that men like these are angry "because they can no longer control their wives." This is a rationalization used by women to justify their actions, which they know are morally wrong. None of these men -- and there were quite a few of them -- said anything to me that even vaguely resembles the desire to control or have sex with their ex-wives, any more than they would want to control, for example, a cockroach. All of these men feel nothing but contempt, disgust and hatred for their ex-wives and for the shameful acts of their ex-wives, fully supported by feminist social workers and pediatricians, in keeping their children away from their fathers, and shutting fathers out of their children's lives.

If you feel this way, then you have to understand that you have to control your hatred. Social workers and ex-wives are quite aware of your hatred and anger, and many of them incite it further in order to get you to make a mistake that they can use against you.

Your main weapon against your ex-wife is not violence but the truth. Keep a detailed paper trail of all her actions, and of the actions of all the social workers and other women professionals you come into contact with, and then wait .... wait until your children get older and start asking you what happened. In response to their questions, you can show them the papers and what their mother did. This is the best non-violent way to vent your anger.

Do men who hate their ex-wives hate all women?

Absolutely not. My interviews with divorced men showed that they hate their ex-wives do so because of specific actions that their ex-wives have taken, but that they view other women in perfectly normal ways. This has been confirmed by research: In a study of divorced and recently remarried men using standard psychological evaluation tests, these men described themselves in generally normal ways, and also described their new wives in generally normal ways. But they described their ex-wives in highly negative and deviant terms as compared with normal responses.

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