Fraternizing With The Enemy
by John J. Xenakis

 

Marriage

What Are Women's Attitudes Toward Marriage?

Chapter 4 of Fraternizing With The Enemy shows with research and numerous examples how much contempt many women feel today for marriage and for married women -- and for men.

Many feminists claim that marriage is nothing more than legalized slavery. Others say that marriage nothing more than "serving the needs of a man" or "spending your life pleasing some man."

In one online women's forum, I started a discussion entitled, "Is anyone willing to defend marriage?" That discussion has continued, off and on, for months, and not a single woman was willing to defend marriage. There are some women who will say that their own marriages are OK, but no one will defend marriage in general as being good for women -- although many will condemn marriage in general as being bad for women. It's really a very remarkable development.

One author, Danielle Crittenden, describes it as follows: "The habit of viewing marriage as a raw deal for women is now so entrenched, even among women who don't call themselves feminists, that I've seen brides who otherwise appear completely happy apologize to their wedding guests for their surrender to convention, as if a part of them still feels there is something embarrassing and weak about an intelligent and ambitious woman consenting to marry."

The contempt that many young women feel toward marriage is an important social problem in America today, with profound consequences for everyone.

Why Do So Many Women File For Divorce?

Fraternizing With The Enemy provides extensive research and discussion about several questions important to every man: Why are women negative about marriage? What is the substance behind this negativity? Why do half of all marriages end in divorce, and why is that women file for divorce twice as often as men do, and men oppose the divorce twice as often as women do?

The evidence shows that women in marriage develop a "malaise" that causes them to question and be critical of almost every aspect of their marriages. This malaise begins almost overnight as soon as they're married, and causes women to become extremely self-critical and self-disparaging. What the husband does or does not do has absolutely nothing to do with this malaise, and in fact the husband can't do anything about it. Most men don't even know it's going on.

This malaise takes a toll on many women, often causing depression and even illness. Even though the malaise is completely internal, a woman talking to her girlfriends will find it easy to blame her husband. A depressed woman talking to her girlfriends is going to be reminded -- frequently -- that if her husband is making her unhappy she can get rid of him, keep the children and the home, and collect substantial child support payments.

Because of the recent substantial increases in state-mandated child support payments, many women essentially cash out of their marriages, calculating that they're better off collecting child support. She gets to enjoy the "dance of liberation" (to quote one author), but the father's life is destroyed, and their children are more likely to be abused or an abuse victim, to become teen parents, to be involved with drugs, and/or to be in the criminal justice system.

How Can I Evaluate My Marriage (or Planned Marriage)?

Thanks to recent research, men can assess the likelihood that their marriages will end in divorce, by evaluating the amount of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling that occur in their marriages. A man can take steps to save his marriages, or he can decide whether it's time to end his marriage, hopefully before his wife becomes pregnant.

Fraternizing With The Enemy tells you how to use this research to evaluate your marriage and what you can do to improve your marriage.


Copyright © 1986-2003 by John J. Xenakis