Love and its Awesome Splendor

An Offering from a Male Friend who wishes to remain anonymous

I am writing this story and asking the Journal of Hope to publish it, as I am an admirer of the way they handle things in this community. Mrs. Greene has allowed me to say something here. There are times that we wish we could find a good companion in life, but sometimes there seems to be no hope. We meet many folks along the way, some make such an impression on you that you don't want to stop talking with that person. So you ask her out to a movie, or perhaps to dinner, and you start to get to know her. Then before you know it, you both realize there is something going on between both of you, something you can't explain. I have a quick story to share with you -- perhaps you can relate to it.

After the wooing, after the swooning, (which lasted for perhaps three months or so), we decided to commit to the relationship -- see, some of us need to define what that means. We both thought we were so committed, maybe we were, on our level of understanding -- sort of like President Clinton's - "what is really is", oops, that's not politically correct for this paper. Oh well, let's cut to the chase. What it mean is that I would be committed, but that I could do what I wanted to do (in my own mind). That means I could just lie whenever I wanted to, and appear when I wanted to, and leave when I wanted to. But that was not the way it was going to be.

I really wanted this woman in my life, or that is what I thought, I wanted to be "her man". She watched me maneuver in the relationship, and watched me tell lies. But she said nothing, she acted the part of a lady at all times, well, most of the time. I had no idea that she was onto my games, so I was as go lucky as I could be, and continued to play.

Then one evening she said to me, "I want to get married to you". Talk about being shocked! That was. I was not ready for marriage, I was not ready for anything, all I was ready for was having a good time, knowing that my "rock of Gilbralter" was there for me whenever I wished. What I meant was -- she was understanding, kind, and loving, and made me feel like a real man. Never did it occur to me that I would spend the rest of my life with anyone, especially now that I could go around play around, and return to my "one and only". I was dead wrong. I stared at her and said that I was not ready for marriage to anyone and that if she wanted to, she could discontinue the relationship. She looked me in the eye and said "fine, that is what I will do". At that moment, if felt like a rock that was thrown into my heart, I felt naked and alone, and rejected. She asked me to leave. I did. Several days later I realized I had no desire to see the other women I had been seeing, to continue the flirting I had been engaged in, nor was I happy. But it still occurred to me that woman should not ask a man to marry her. Perhaps I am of the old school. My heart ached for three long weeks and I would drive by her house and slow down and look -- no I was not stalking her! I was simply letting my heart feel better. With no sign of a call from her, I picked up the phone and called her. I invited her to dinner and she accepted. In my heart I knew that the relationship that was created was the right one. I had never gone the extra mile with her, nor did she allow it, (you understand what I mean?), I only knew that someday I wanted to find out find out if she was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside.

As we had dinner, I shared with her the aching I had felt during the time I could not see her, and had a real important time to think about what I had been feeling about her, about my own life, and how we could make a difference in each other's lives. For the first time in my life, I began to feel the presence of something so strong that I can't even explain it here. I really completely forgot about all those other relationships that I had been flirting with.

After dinner I took her home, and did not go inside, as I usually did before, we officially "broke off' our romance. I kissed her on the cheek and said "goodbye". That night all kinds of things came to mind. Why should I marry her? Why do I need to marry her? Questions, Questions, Questions. No answers came to me.

The next day, (she is a church goer), I knew the church she goes to, so I got in my car and made sure I was late so she would not see my car. I went into the church in the back of the church and listened to the preacher. I left quickly after the sermon. I saw her car there, so I knew she was there. This was one jam packed church, and I did not see her.

The next day she called my office and invited me to a picnic her friends were having and I went with her. I enjoyed every moment of it and she introduced me as a friend", not a boyfriend, a friend. Good, I felt "not trapped", I felt okay with this. Again, I dropped her off at her home, said goodnight, and left at the door. But I felt safe and okay with this. I was so very afraid to commit, but I wanted never to leave her again. I felt she had let me back into her life, and was now watching to see my next move. I was on my best behavior just for me.

This went on for a good three more months. Our closeness increased and our bonding continued. I tell you it was a glorious time. I like fishing, so she went with me. I like boating, so she went with me, she likes the symphony (which I really hate), but I went with her, and she even explained Verdi to me-oh well! But we were getting to know each other real well. She never asked about the marriage thing again. So that was okay with me. I enjoyed our time together, and the things we shared together. We would take out books on tape and ride up to the country and listen to them and discuss them on so many little side trips. It was all about feeling each other out and getting to know each other.

Then one day, she called me at the office and I told her I had something I had to talk about with her. I could sense that she knew what I had in mind. I made a date with her for that night. I took her to a special place that we like and I said to her "Would you be willing to spend the rest of your life with me". She said "I would"! That was fifteen years ago, years that I would never had spent with her if she had allowed herself to give herself to me before marriage, I don't think so. She is the mother of our two children and yes she teaches them about Verdi too. She gave me the challenge of my life. I respect that. This story may not make sense to you, but I share what I have, and hope that anyone reading this will get a picture of what I mean. Be safe. Thank you.